Hospital Room
Victoria Jones
You were born.
I’m a classic hospital white wall and a blue striped baby blanket your grandma’s best friend made for you that is sitting on the upper shelf of your closet collecting dust.
Your mother cries looking at your ugly face she swears was beautiful but you know you looked red and wrinkly. The photos prove it. You dad was in the hospital cafeteria because he couldn’t remember if your mom wanted yellow or green Jell-O. She didn’t care anymore because as she held you In her arms she was the happiest she claims to ever be. Your father rushed to the stark white room to see your mother crying. He is scared something went wrong but they were tears of joy not sorrow. Your dad tears up as he holds your tiny body for the first time and you can still feel the warmth of his rough construction working hands.
You can’t remember Charlie but the photos flash in your mind. He was an old beagle that made you giggle with his floppy ears and tired eyes. His death was the first sadness you remember but there were many more that pained your heart. And the concrete stone in the garden where he is buried comes to mind as you remember the sadness. You can’t remember him as a young dog, just his droopy face and heavy breathing as he drew nearer to his death. Your mother held you as you cried and your father came home with a puppy 2 weeks later.
Chucky, in homage to Charlie, was your childhood partner in crime. He stood next to you as you learned to ride your bike and comforted you when you fell off. He barked at the boys who laughed and you loved him so much.
You started elementary school scared but excited. Your love of running and laughter let you quickly make friends. Thinking of James makes your heart ache. You made so many plans with him of the future. You planned to go to Washington state together . And you prayed for the acceptance letter that has yet to come. James got his early, you knew he would he was always the smarter one of the pair that you two made. James was the all star and seemed to always have the upper hand.
Middle school was hard for you and you felt alone. You watched James gain more friends as you were isolated from your own but no matter how many friends James had he always made time for you. He stood by your side the whole time yet you still doubted his friendship. You held close to James and treated him as a king because you secretly feared you would lose him to cooler and more popular kids.
The summer of your freshman year you met Savannah and she was the hardest test you and James’s friendship faced. The moment you met her you were amazed by her. She lit up every room she walked in. James felt the same way. You both loved her and dreamed of being with her. You got close with her friends to just be in her presence. You and James were mesmerized by her every action and you both constantly fought for her affection. James won and it hurt your heart to watch them together. James never talked about anyone or anything else and it pained you too much to see them together. You saw James less and less as they got closer and closer. You had lost James and were all alone. Your worst middle school fears had come true and you were completely alone. James had Savannah and you had no one.
You fell into a deep depression and when no one noticed it worsened. Each day was the same over and over. James and Savannah drove past your house together as you stood waiting for the bus each morning. Every class was the same dreadful nothingness. Food had no flavor and the world seemed colorless.
You could get over losing Savannah and the brightness she brought to your life but losing James was too much. The only emotion you felt was the ache and emptiness in your heart when only James could fill.
You could not go on without James and that’s why you are here. Your life has led you here. James moved on and you could not. As you feel the rush of the wind you remember everything.
The number of people who left you
The sadness of Charlie’s death
The heartache that savannah caused without knowing it
The love you felt for James
The carelessness James felt towards you
You can not handle the pain of your life and the numbness of your existence.
This was not your fault. James did this to you. He hurt you at your most vulnerable point.
But he’s here now. In the ambulance as you fade in and out of consciousness. He is holding your hand. So you can’t leave. You have to know why he left you and why he is back. You squeeze his hand and can feel him shaking with fear as you continue to lose blood.
You wake in the same hospital you were born in. You see James, visibly dirty and exhausted.
It’s two days later and he has not left the hospital or your side. He cries when he sees your eyes open. The same tears of joy your mother did. And next to you is the same yellow and green Jell-O your father bought from the hospital cafeteria.
James begs for your forgiveness and you finally feel loved as if you have gained him back
But at what cost? Will he leave you once you leave the hospital? Will you lose him to Savannah once again?
Is it worth the pain he caused you?
