Month: May 2021

Four rose pink painted walls joined together to create a room in the back of the house on Mabel Street. A stick figure family portrait hung on the third wall next to a white closet door. There was a man, a girl and a woman all smiling brightly and holding hands.
A large rose painting hung on the second wall, each petal stained a different shade of red. Below the canvas, sat a twin sized bed with a little girl laying across it. In her hands was a journal she had found in her father’s hidden room. Her eyes focused on the pages while her right hand, holding her favorite pen, swept across the piece of paper, her left lightly tapping against the page opposite her pen.

Dear Diary,
Daddy works a lot more now, ever since Mommy died. It’s okay since he has a really important job. When families are sad, he helps them by making the dead person pretty again so they can go to heaven. There was this one time when a lady came in who had really pretty dark hair, it reminded me of Mommy. I told Daddy I really liked her hair and he smiled at me and they went into his office to talk about business.

The little girl turned off the faucet and dried her hands on the towel hung on the wall. Wiping the last bit of water onto the skirt of her dress, she skipped over to her room in the back of the house on Mabel Street. Flopping onto her bed, she pulls out her journal and her favorite pen and began to write.

Dear Diary,
Today Daddy took me out to a little cafe for lunch. It was a really pretty cafe and he even let me get a pastry! I was very excited and I hope we go there again. We met a really nice woman there who had pretty green eyes. Daddy seemed to notice me looking at her and asked me if I liked something about her. When I told him I thought she had pretty eyes, he smiled and went to go talk to her. I hope we can go there again.

A tall figure of a man walks through the front door of the house on Mabel Street. He holds the door for his daughter who skips into the house, her hair bouncing as she drags along a woman behind her, a smile illuminating her face. “Oh, you have such pretty hands!” The little girl exclaims, leading the woman to the room in the back of the house on Mabel Street.
“What a beautiful room you have here!” The woman smiles down at the little girl and walks towards her window. “Yes, I think white curtains will do wonderfully.” She looks at the little girl again, then shifts her gaze to the man waiting at the doorway. Noticing her gaze, he asks, “Would you like to stay for a little while? I can make some coffee.”

Dear Diary,
I met a pretty woman at the store today who had beautiful hands with long fingers. I asked her to come over and she helped me pick out a color for the curtains in my bedroom. She stayed and played with me before leaving with Daddy just a little while ago. I’ve got to help Daddy with work later and I think I’ll see her again there.

“Do you see something you like darling?” The man asks his daughter with a smile on his face. “She’s really got a beautiful nose doesn’t she Daddy.” The girl says admiring the figure in front of her lying down. The man puts his arm gently around the girl, looking at the figure, “Yes, I think she really does.”

Dear Diary,
Today I helped Daddy at work. It was really fun, he let me meet a bunch of new people and see a pretty lady that he dressed up for work. He said that I am old enough now to come with him to work more often. I can’t wait to come back again.

“Can you hand me that bottle over there darling?” The man asks his daughter, pointing to his supplies located right behind him. “Sure, Daddy.” She responds, twirling around and retrieving the necessary bottle. “She sure does have a nice leg doesn’t she Daddy.” The little girl remarks, handing her father another tool. “You think so?” He says with a smile on his face.

Dear Diary,
I went to work with Daddy again today. I got to do more than just meet people today, I got to help him make a lady pretty so she can go to heaven. I really like going to work with Daddy, I can’t wait to go again tomorrow. Hopefully we’ll get to see another pretty lady.

The little girl trailed behind her father, through the house on Mabel Street. They entered a dimly lit hallway through a door behind her father’s large dresser, padding along the concrete floors. A door presented itself at the end of the hallway which, once opened, revealed at the center, a mannequin. An emerald green eye was neatly placed at the top of the face on the mannequin, a button nose in the center, and dark hair flowed past the chin, towards the elbows. The mannequin wore only one hand, which held slim long fingers, and only one supporting leg had flesh. Other parts of the frame were covered with only a few pieces missing.
The little girl gazed at the eerie figure with a dazed smile upon her face and looked up at her father proudly. “She’s almost ready.” She says, looking back at him. “Yes, yes she is my darling.” He replies with a smile on his face.

Dear Diary,
Daddy and I worked hard today, and when we finished we went to his hidden room so I could see how our project is going so far. I am very happy it is almost done. Soon she’ll be finished and our work will be over. We’re almost done making my new Mommy.

“I’m having a lot of trouble sleeping since my father died, I haven’t been able to sleep very well or have been having weird dreams.” Jackie describes to Evelyn, his therapist as she writes notes down and asks him to continue to describe his sleeping experience: sleep routine when sleeping and any dreams he may have experienced. Before Jackie leaves Evelyn offers the idea of trying sleeping pills or calming himself before bed. Jackie, Evelyn and Jackie’s mom reunite and Evelyn gives Jackie a new prescription sleeping pill. Jackie’s mom asks her son questions about the therapy session only to get short and quick responses, understanding, she lets it go and respects his privacy. Preparing to go to sleep, Jackie takes a sleeping pill his therapist prescribed, jumps in bed, and closes his eyes.
Jackie quickly wakes up, but not in his room. He’s surrounded by ice cream trucks? Jackie loves sweets so he isn’t disturbed by this experience but is unfamiliar with where he’s at. He can taste and smell the ice cream. It all feels real. His alarm Evelyn gave him throws him out of his dream within what felt like minutes. Tired, Jackie gets up and prepares for high school. Throughout the day he’s stuck thinking about how real his dream felt throughout school, while having ice cream with his mom up until the end of the day. The day went by as quickly as it started and it was time for bed again, he took his sleeping pill and drifted away. This time he woke up in a deserted cabin, cold in front of a fireplace, the fireplace was left on as he unintentionally began leaving the cabin. The fire managed to escape the fireplace and burned the cabin down as Jackie turned around in disbelief to what he’s seeing, minutes later his alarm woke him up again. His mother is reading a newspaper during breakfast and Jackie glances over while eating the same breakfast he always shares with his mother to see a burning cabin on the front cover of the newspaper. He asks his mother when that newspaper is from and she informs him it was published this morning. “That’s odd” Jackie mumbles before preparing for his scheduled therapist appointment.
Since going to his therapist and listening to her advice of sleeping through his dream Jackie has been able to remember, write down and share the dreams he’s been having to Evelyn. Evelyn listens intrigued to the dreams Jackie has been experiencing and Jackie explains “They feel too real, I don’t know how to explain the feeling but I can explain the dreams themselves.” Evelyn however assures him it’s just a dream and to continue writing his dreams down and taking his sleeping pill before heading to bed. As Jackie and his mom were heading out, they stop for Jackie’s mom to ask Evelyn about the sleeping pill she prescribed to Jackie because it’s the one thing that was finally able to help him sleep and she tells her it consists mostly of melatonin. Jackie’s mom nods and walks away, slightly confused because melatonin hadn’t previously worked for Jackie to help him sleep.
Back home and time to sleep, Jackie drifts away and is once again stuck in his dream, his eyes are directed onto a lake as he watches a little girl run into the lake in front of him. The little girl starts splashing in panic unable to fully come back to the surface and Jackie, alarmed, tries to go after the girl and save her but he’s stuck, he can’t move. Jackie then gets up and slowly moves toward the lake to watch the girl slowly drown unable to help her. Jackie starts to feel water drops on his face as if the water the little girl splash delayed in reaching Jackie. As the water drips on his face he wakes up the same time his alarm goes off. As he goes through the day, once again he can think of nothing besides his dream and why they feel so real. Jackie survives the day and very quietly hears the radio of a man who drowned his child, he’s shocked from the news but doesn’t connect it back to his dream. The following night he tries taking two sleeping pills hoping it’ll knock him out so he can sleep through the night without dreaming. He instead wakes up holding a loaded gun. He points it up at people he thought he recognized, people that felt like his friends calling out a name to him he hadn’t recognized. Jackie at this time realizes he’s not in control of his dream again and listens to the words of the group of teenagers in front of him in his dream shouting “put down the gun” “please, please don’t do this” “we’re your friends.” Jackie closes his ears, aims and shoots the group, two boys and three girls in front of him, they lay there and Jackie throws the gun on top of them staring at what he’d just done. As Jackie starts to walk closer to the bodies his alarm interrupts and he wakes up, leaving his room to grab breakfast with his mother. Frightened from his dream, Jackie gets up in a hurry to get to the family computer downstairs and searches up the dream he just had to find any news of a shooting. He doesn’t find anything, sighs in relief, closes the computer and prepares for school. Jackie’s mom quickly follows his steps to the computer curiously and finds what he searched up but the search history was deleted, she tried asking him what it was about but he tells her it was “for school”. At school, he sees the group of teenagers he saw in his dream, he smiles realizing it really was just a terrible dream.
*pow pow pow pow pow* Jackie hears five gunshots during math class, the school goes into lockdown but the shooting stops immediately after. That evening when they’re released from school on the TV there’s a reported gun shooting of five classmates from Jackie’s school, the same five he saw in the hall, the save five he saw in his dream. Completely in shock and freaked out he goes to his therapist where he explains everything. Evelyn gets closer to Jackie and says “I’m so sorry, now I know this may be hard to believe but it’s just a coincidence, you know that doesn’t and can’t really happen.” Jackie explains the way he’s feeling, that he feels that he’s the cause of these deaths because they all happen after he dreams of it. The therapist reassures him not to worry but to be safe they’ll run a few brain scans. Jackie’s mom and the therapist step outside and discuss further planning and she agrees that a brain scan will be beneficial, when the results come back Evelyn and Jackie’s mom notice nothing wrong with the scan. Evelyn reminds Jackie to continue with his routine when getting ready for bed.
Jackie is getting very suspicious and has an uneasy feeling about his dreams becoming a reality so the following night he skips taking his sleeping pill thinking maybe the pill is helping him sleep but also causing his dreams. He struggles to go to sleep but manages to fall asleep after over an hour, Jackie wakes up in an unknown forest where he is hiding behind a rock holding a hunting gun, he is shooting an illegal animal to shoot in the forest he’s in, a bear. He shoots the bear but instead of killing it, the gunshot angers the bear and the bear snarls. Unfortunately, there was a couple walking in the wrong place at the wrong time and they became the targets to the bear’s anger. The bear then notices Jackie and right as the bear targets it’s attention on Jackie, he shoots the bear and the shot of the gun synchronizes with the sound of his alarm clock waking him up. Jackie now knows there’s something wrong because avoiding his sleeping pill didn’t affect him having a nightmare. Jackie plans on completely avoiding interactions with his therapist suspecting she might know and be causing the nightmares because they started when Jackie began going to Evelyn. Finally, Jackie tells his mom everything, all his dreams and the clues he’s pieced together to make him believe Evelyn is causing his nightmares and that he’s done seeing her. Jackie’s mom at this point, says she needs to confront Evelyn, with no time to think she drags Jackie into the car and they make their way to Evelyn’s office.
Jackie’s mother rushes to Evelyn’s office and when the three are together the two women look at Jackie then look at each other in an uncanny way. They ask for Jackie to explain how he feels, confused he looks at his mother who looks at Evelyn. Jackie starts to turn around after feeling very uncomfortable, right Jackie’s mother grabs him while Evelyn sedates him. He wakes up in a chair, strapped, with devices all around him including a TV which displays the news of a terrible accident of a couple being mauled by a bear. Jackie tries shouting for help only to hear the sound of his mothers voice telling him not to worry, he’s helping science.
Jackie sits in this chair getting injected every so often with unknown substances. Machines beeping beside him connected to wires and pads stuck all over him. Jackie is beyond confused as Evelyn walks in and begins to explain everything Jackie was wondering. “Your mother came to me months ago asking me if there was anything I could do to quote what your mother said ‘give his life purpose’ and I figured I could help you both by making you an addition to a great research project.” Jackie starts to piece more together and starts to understand the minor things his mother did like making his breakfast for Jackie, since she’d never used to do that. Evelyn interrupts his thoughts and answers that Jackie’s mother had helped with the research by making sure he took the substances everyday, we’re injecting into you every so often. “My breakfast! She was giving me drugs in my food!?” Jackie shouted. As Evelyn begins to explain how her secret research of traveling between real worlds and dreams, Jackie didn’t want to hear any of it. The last thing Evelyn told him before weeks of silent study was, “since you were in a bad place after your father passed away, emotionally you were a perfect subject because your dreams could be easily tampered with and affected by what someone tells you or what you think of, I’m sorry it had to be this way.”
Countless weeks pass and nothing seems to change for Jackie, test after test, nightmare after nightmare. Jakie wakes up each morning to see the news on and see his dream turn into a reality. One thing continues to circle around in his mind. He doesn’t know how and can’t control his dreams but remembers the last thing Evelyn told him. Another few days pass by, mentally and physically Jackie can’t manage the pain of watching and knowing he’s causing death among many others because of his dreams. There one way he knows will put a stop to it because nothing else will work. With the power of his thoughts he influences his dreams: the nightmares stop and Jackie fades into a forever dream.

The Final Test

The air. It smells like chemicals. Fluorine? No that was lost in the before. Iodine? No, way too strong to be iodine. I take another whiff of the sour air. Oh no, it’s chlorine. It’s test day. It’s the test that chooses your fate. And no, I’m not being dramatic or overeggaerant, this crooked society eliminates the “parasites” of this community by injecting chlorine into their blood . They kill people who aren’t smart enough. Our president created this law in the aftermath of the war, and it has supposedly “kept the peace” for the last 10 years. My family and I all lived in the “before,” yet my parents have become easily brainwashed by the technology that states that eliminating the un-intelligent is “good” for our society. That’s why, since the beginning of the “now,” my parents have been heavily disciplining and educating me, so that I would pass the test that determines my fate, and also so that they wouldn’t have to deal with the embarrassment of having a dumb child.
“Autumn! Let’s go, we’re gonna be late for school and you know what day it is!!”
That’s my motherly like best friend Maya. Maya is the over-achiever type of girl who excels at everything and that’s why I hate and love her all at the same time. She’s my complete opposite; I’m depressed but curious and I always tend to be the glass half empty kind of girl whilst she is positive and always has her glass half-full. It’s not that I choose to be the way I am, it’s a genetic thing I suppose. I’m unsure how Maya and I have stayed best friends for so long, but I guess it’s just that opposites attract.
“Coming Maya, give me a sec!”
“No Autumn, if you take another second of precious time we’ll have to run to school and I know that you hate running!”
Suddenly, I was downstairs. Maya already had all of her things together of course. A homemade lunch, ironed clothes and new shoes. Though, I’m not surprised considering her parents actually care about her well-being and not just her intelligence level. When we arrived at the school there were guards everywhere. Hopeless teenagers were hugging their parents and crying, saying their goodbyes, and hoping it wasn’t their last. Amongst the wailing families, a matte black limousine carelessly pulls in front of the school. Walking smugly out of the limousine, the President drags his son Briant through the front glass doors of the highschool. Briant is the sporty, academic type, who is dating Maya. Even though it might seem twisted for Maya to date him, they truly are the perfect match. They both have good grades, scholarships to many colleges, and they are both reasonably confident. Briant and I have never particularly gotten close, but I don’t have a problem with him other than the fact that his father is technically a mass-murderer. The whole school is crammed into the bleak auditorium when the microphone feedback pierces our ears
“Welcome fellow students to the RLHS 9020 LG test! I do hope that all of you try your best and do well! Remember, all grades are final!” President Alexander announced enthusiastically.
The wave of students in the bleachers, including myself, rolled their eyes and robotically shuffled to their assigned classrooms. Once I was in my assigned room, my nerves started to overcome my body. My heart felt like it was beating a hundred miles an hour and my head was pounding. The voice of my demeaning parents echoed in my head:
“If you fail the test we will be very disappointed in you!”
Maya was in the corner pacing and praying, and it didn’t take a genius to notice that she hadn’t studied for the test.
“Maya are you okay?”
“I don’t know Autumn, I can’t take this anymore, it’s too much!”
“What do you mean? You don’t have a choice!”
“Maybe we do! Listen Autumn, I have a plan-”
“No plans Maya! Not this time! We are going to take the test, pass, and move on with our lives. This is the final year we have to take this, don’t mess this up for me!”
“Fail the test with Briant and I.” Maya declared
“ARE YOU INSANE!?”
“Autumn, don’t act oblivious to what is going on around here! The whole football team has somehow managed to pass this test every year, but then fail all of their classes during the school year! We both know it’s not right!”
“Maya, I’m not oblivious! I know what is going on, but I choose to keep my head low and keep my mouth shut for my own good!”
“Well it’s time to do something about it! Briant and I are planning on stealing the files of the students who failed and exposing the President once and for all, and you’re joining us!”
“I’m sorry, Maya, I just can’t, there’s too much I have to lose.” I cried
Maya just stood there, she was visibly fuming but no words were escaping her mouth; I was dying inside. I knew that I had betrayed her in that instant, but I had to think of my family first. By family, I mean my little sister, Gabriella. I can’t leave her, I’m the only one who loves and cares for her, and if anything happened to her, I don’t know what I would do. My teacher hands out the testing tablets and the butterflies in my stomach grow stronger. I unlock the tablet, and start the exam.
It’s over. The test is over. I finished the exam barely within the hour limit; Briant and Maya only used a quarter of that time to complete the exam. Then, the facilitators storm in and stand in the back of the classroom while the teacher announces the names of the children who failed. Maya’s name is called off first , and then Briant, followed by other kids who were crying, pleading, and trying to escape from the firm grip of the facilitators.
“Jessica Morris… Kade Schold… Justin Gripod… James Holkfer… Riley Ikner… and Autumn DeAngelis… ”
When I heard my name called, I sat there emotionless, and allowed the facilitators to pluck me from my chair.
“Autumn I’m so sorry! I thought for sure you’d pass, I probably threw you off-guard with my psycho antics and that’s why you failed! I don’t deserve your forgiveness, I am an awful person!” Maya wailed
“Maya, I’ve always been in.”
Most of the guards were at the front of the line so Briant and I patiently waited while Maya went to go flirt with a lonesome guard in back of the line and distract him long enough for Briant and I to sneak by. Once the coast was clear, we sprinted down the hallway and checked every room for the files that would prove our case. Maya eventually caught up to us, but it would only be a matter of time before the guards noticed 3 missing bodies. Every room we surveyed was empty, and the clock was running out, so we decided to split up.
“I found them!” Briant screamed
He was far down the hallway, and Maya and I started sprinting as fast as we could, but Maya’s ankle snapped, and I quickly dragged her into a storage closet while giving Briant the go-ahead to get the files.
BRIANTS POV:
The file room was unsettlingly dark and freezing cold. I could hear buttons and sensors going off all around the school which meant that the guards had figured out that we escaped. I start rustling through the filing cabinets when I found a list of random names that had seemingly no relation to each other, until I looked up their names in the file cabinet. I discovered that the people on the list were passing with 30% and 43% while others were failing with 88% and 92%.
“This evidence proves our case! “ I declared out loud, and just as I was leaving the room with the corrupting files in my hands, I was gridlocked in by a familiar figure that I couldn’t make out in the darkness.
“Son, put the files down” My dad yelled.
“How could you do this to me, how could you do this to all of us!”
“It’s not what it seems, just please put the files down and forget this.”
“No! You’ve ruined people’s lives and you expect me to just sweep it under the rug? You’re a monster! Don’t you dare even look at me.”
“Son you’re being unreasonable, You know I love you. Please just don’t do anything with those files, they could ruin my life—”
“There he is!” a guard yells. I start to lower my hands to my pockets to grab the list.
“He has a gun! Fire!”
My world suddenly halts. I brace for the impact of a metal bullet, but the impact that overcomes me isn’t a bullet, but the lifeless body of my father.

Hospital Room

Victoria Jones

You were born.

I’m a classic hospital white wall and a blue striped baby blanket your grandma’s best friend made for you that is sitting on the upper shelf of your closet collecting dust.
Your mother cries looking at your ugly face she swears was beautiful but you know you looked red and wrinkly. The photos prove it. You dad was in the hospital cafeteria because he couldn’t remember if your mom wanted yellow or green Jell-O. She didn’t care anymore because as she held you In her arms she was the happiest she claims to ever be. Your father rushed to the stark white room to see your mother crying. He is scared something went wrong but they were tears of joy not sorrow. Your dad tears up as he holds your tiny body for the first time and you can still feel the warmth of his rough construction working hands.

You can’t remember Charlie but the photos flash in your mind. He was an old beagle that made you giggle with his floppy ears and tired eyes. His death was the first sadness you remember but there were many more that pained your heart. And the concrete stone in the garden where he is buried comes to mind as you remember the sadness. You can’t remember him as a young dog, just his droopy face and heavy breathing as he drew nearer to his death. Your mother held you as you cried and your father came home with a puppy 2 weeks later.

Chucky, in homage to Charlie, was your childhood partner in crime. He stood next to you as you learned to ride your bike and comforted you when you fell off. He barked at the boys who laughed and you loved him so much.

You started elementary school scared but excited. Your love of running and laughter let you quickly make friends. Thinking of James makes your heart ache. You made so many plans with him of the future. You planned to go to Washington state together . And you prayed for the acceptance letter that has yet to come. James got his early, you knew he would he was always the smarter one of the pair that you two made. James was the all star and seemed to always have the upper hand.

Middle school was hard for you and you felt alone. You watched James gain more friends as you were isolated from your own but no matter how many friends James had he always made time for you. He stood by your side the whole time yet you still doubted his friendship. You held close to James and treated him as a king because you secretly feared you would lose him to cooler and more popular kids.

The summer of your freshman year you met Savannah and she was the hardest test you and James’s friendship faced. The moment you met her you were amazed by her. She lit up every room she walked in. James felt the same way. You both loved her and dreamed of being with her. You got close with her friends to just be in her presence. You and James were mesmerized by her every action and you both constantly fought for her affection. James won and it hurt your heart to watch them together. James never talked about anyone or anything else and it pained you too much to see them together. You saw James less and less as they got closer and closer. You had lost James and were all alone. Your worst middle school fears had come true and you were completely alone. James had Savannah and you had no one.

You fell into a deep depression and when no one noticed it worsened. Each day was the same over and over. James and Savannah drove past your house together as you stood waiting for the bus each morning. Every class was the same dreadful nothingness. Food had no flavor and the world seemed colorless.

You could get over losing Savannah and the brightness she brought to your life but losing James was too much. The only emotion you felt was the ache and emptiness in your heart when only James could fill.

You could not go on without James and that’s why you are here. Your life has led you here. James moved on and you could not. As you feel the rush of the wind you remember everything.
The number of people who left you
The sadness of Charlie’s death
The heartache that savannah caused without knowing it
The love you felt for James
The carelessness James felt towards you

You can not handle the pain of your life and the numbness of your existence.
This was not your fault. James did this to you. He hurt you at your most vulnerable point.
But he’s here now. In the ambulance as you fade in and out of consciousness. He is holding your hand. So you can’t leave. You have to know why he left you and why he is back. You squeeze his hand and can feel him shaking with fear as you continue to lose blood.

You wake in the same hospital you were born in. You see James, visibly dirty and exhausted.

It’s two days later and he has not left the hospital or your side. He cries when he sees your eyes open. The same tears of joy your mother did. And next to you is the same yellow and green Jell-O your father bought from the hospital cafeteria.
James begs for your forgiveness and you finally feel loved as if you have gained him back

But at what cost? Will he leave you once you leave the hospital? Will you lose him to Savannah once again?

Is it worth the pain he caused you?

Up until the year of 2021, it was normal for a baby to be born and live a long life to an average of 90 years old. All was normal for Mr. and Mrs. Coupe until the summer of 2021 when they decided to have a baby in which they would name John.
John Eversteen Coupe was born on March 13th, 2021, and appeared to be a healthy baby, except his physical features were far different than any doctor had ever seen before. Mr. Coupe yelped to the nurse “This is not my baby, he looks like my own father with the wrinkles in his skin”. The nurse replied “Mr. Coupe you just saw me deliver this human. I know this is your son”. Mr. Coupe was still in awe as he saw his son with his eyes closed resting in Mrs. Coupe’s arms. As the nurses and doctors conversed they noticed another feature on John they had never seen before. There was a series of illuminated numbers on his wrist. The numbers on John’s wrist were counting down each minute, each hour, and eventually each day. The doctors and nurses finally concluded that the numbers on his wrist were a countdown to the day of his death. This explains why John had many features that resembled the physical age of an 85 year-old man the day he was born. Mr. and Mrs. Coupe were shocked when they heard the news from the doctor, but they decided to keep John to move on with their lives with him.
The Coupe family headed home from the hospital after a week of tests on John with no diagnosis of disease or health issues. The Coupes lived on a 5-acre lot on Lake Austin near the wealthiest of homes in Westlake Hills. Mr. Coupe had started his own landscaping business at the age of 25. Over time, this landscaping company became one of the best in Texas. Mr. Coupe decided to sell his company for 7 million dollars leaving John with a nice inheritance. When Mr. Coupe carried John into his room to put him to sleep for the first time, John quickly stood up in his crib saying his first words “Dadda”. John had only been out of the hospital for hours and could already stand up and talk to his parents, Mr. Coupe knew something was different about John. Over the next couple of weeks, John grew immensely. He was about 4-feet tall and his back was as arched as a hill. The young old man took interest in Bingo and watching the sunset at the age of one. Mr. and Mrs. Coupe would finally tell John about his condition at this age and the meaning behind the numbers on his wrist which read, “83 : 364: 15”. The news caused little shock in John. Instead of bringing him down it actually encouraged him to make the most of his life and condition even more.
John was 6 when he first enrolled in kindergarten at his local elementary school. Despite getting weird looks initially from the faculty and students, John became a very popular kid due to his friendliness and outgoing personality. At recess, John would show his friends his countdown on his wrist, fascinating every 6 year-old’s brain with the thought of life and death. Every day seemed to be consistent with one another for John. He would wake up, go to school, show his friends his countdown, do homework, and go to bed. This cycle would continue every day of the school year until John turned the age of 13. At 13, John’s countdown read “72: 00: 00”; yet his wrinkles were disappearing weekly and he was becoming far less stiff than usual. John had taken interest in social media accounts and youtubers that supported exploring nature and adrenaline. When John was 15, he got a job as a skydiving instructor and would take people skydiving daily. John would become what some people knew as an adrenaline junky, always seeking adrenaline in every situation. At the age of 18, John would leave this job to attend college at The University of Texas at Austin where he studied business. While staying in Austin, John became a social media influencer with his posts inspiring kids of all ages to explore all the world had to offer. John would take weekly visits to his parents to check in on them as they would soon go through what he went through at a young age.
After attending UT for 4 years, John decided to take his lifestyle around the world, traveling and speaking out about his condition and how he made the most of it. John would first travel to Australia where he explored the Outback and the Great Barrier Reef. In Australia, John taught the Aussies the meaning of life beyond their own bubble, encouraging them to expand their knowledge and take chances on once in a lifetime experiences. John would travel from Australia to Japan, and from there to Europe before coming back home to the United States. John had devoted 18 years of his life traveling around the world and speaking out about his condition and countdown. Now, at the age of 43, John was feeling better than ever but soon realized he had reached the “midpoint” in his life. Taking this into consideration, John wanted to achieve things that had always been a goal of his life. To start, getting married was one of those. John stumbled upon a lady by the name of Jackie Smith while attending a speaker conference. Jackie, born a year after John, was also single and looking to marry. The two caught interest in one another immediately, and their relationship took off from that day on. The two dated for two years, attending conferences with one another where John would speak out about the importance of living life to the fullest. One evening John sat Jackie down to talk about starting a family together and the precautions that came with his life ending within the next 40 years. Jackie replied with “If our kids can’t take care of themselves within the next 40 years that’s their own problem”. With that being said, John would propose to Jackie the next week while on a hike in California. A year after the proposal, the couple had their first child by the name of John Jr.
The Coupe family of John and Jackie was growing; yet a part of the Coupe family was lost. John’s parent’s, Mr. and Mrs. Coupe, passed away together at the age of 90 years old while in the hospital. The death of his parents put into realization to John how precious life truly is. After inheriting his family’s trust, John settled down in his childhood home where he spent time with his family with little travel. By the time John’s timer read “20: 144: 14” he realized that the aging could cause Jackie to have to take care of another child. Jackie supported John in every way possible and promised to watch over him until the day he died. John Jr. had gone off to attend Georgetown University in the nation’s capital where he studied law, leaving John with pride knowing that he would do big things one day.
Eventually, John’s countdown read “9: 23: 07” forcing John to realize that his life would be over in an instant. John spent his life traveling the world, influencing others, and seeking the adrenaline of life while battling an unknown condition. John became a husband, father, and influential figure during this time all while preaching the importance of life. In the next few years John would enter a retirement home with Jackie where the two would spend the rest of their lives together. John would leave the world as expected when his wrist read “0: 00: 00”. John Coupe would inspire the next generation of youth about the importance of time and relationships. John Jr. would go on to follow his father’s footsteps in public speaking and forever withhold the family legacy in the namesake of Coupe.

His eyes were bigger than ever before, and his heart pumped, the loud roar of the restless crowd had my heart pounding hard against my chest as he looked from behind the curtain. Suddenly, the velvety red fabric slipped through his sweaty shaky palms and a loud, “CLICK!” fills the whole auditorium as a light shone on himself when the audience had let out a massive scream in excitement. Eric Lee was your typical 5’5 teenage loner from high school, unmotivated, bored with the simple things in life, and believing that he was wasting himself away in a classroom solving math equations because he was told to. He sat in a dimly lit classroom while the class went over a topic in his physics class. His teacher dressed in business suit and black slacks looked over at him while writing out equations on the board looked at Eric spacing off while one of his classmates had read from their textbooks, “Mr. Lee, could you please read?” Interrupting the student already reading. Like someone tased Eric, he jolts up and rips through his backpack, grabbing a thin yellow book and opening it up. Desperately flipping through it and remembering the word his classmate had last read, “For never was a story of more woe than this of Juliet and her Romeo!” He says with a clear voice yet stumbling over some of the words due to the pressure put on him when told to suddenly read. “I would agree, but that’s not the correct textbook Mr. Lee.” The physics teacher had said with a small smile while the class erupted in a laughter due to Eric’s careless mistake. Eric looked down at the textbook and a scarlet blush soon crept onto his cheeks when he realized that he grabbed his British Literature textbook. After that small incident, that final class period of the day was quite long and excruciating in the sense that it felt like it would never really end, like he was trapped in weird scientific nightmare. “BEEP!” The bell rung throughout the school and the students from the high school had scattered out of their classrooms to begin their adventurous weekend, Eric had pushed the two earbuds into his ears and the soft melody of a Spice Girls song had filled his head while he pushed his hands into his spacious warm Levi jeans pockets. He had begun to walk to the side of the school to locate his little yellow 1985 Volkswagen Beetle before a light tap on his shoulder made him jump slightly and spin around to meet the face that startled him; Eric’s face had went pale when Kimberly Rose, the well known popular girl that was known for her beauty and her intelligence, but also Eric’s old childhood friend had appeared right in front of him. Her voice was soft and full of color when she had said, “Hey! Long time no see, huh?”. “Yeah. What’s up?” Eric had responded a bit taken back at her presence, since they had not talked for years. “I was wondering if you were free tonight. I’d love to hang out at the Mo’s.” She said hopefully. Eric had felt a lump in his throat and his stomach got butterflies in it, knowing that Mo’s wasn’t the best place to be, especially at night. “Mo’s? Sure.” He had hesitantly agreed and fidgeted with the key to his car. Kimberly had smiled happily and nodded, “Perfect! I’ll see you there at 6:30! Don’t be late! We’ve got to get the seats up front!” She said and walked off in the other direction. Eric sighed slightly and sent his mom a call that he’d be a bit late coming home tonight, but to his surprise, she was quite accepting of this and gave him the approval to stay out. He had hopped into the yellow gumdrop of a car and made his way to the downtown area of the city of Austin, the rock capital of the United States. He looked around at all the billboards the 90s style adult advertisements around and took in the sight of the city before finding a parking garage and making his way into the concrete jungle on foot. He passed many bars and kept his head down; this setting was new to him and he wasn’t quite used to it. His knees were a bit shaky with every step and his eyes were glued to the pavement as he shyly walked through some people that were passing by, the area not yet busy because of how early it was. Eric had stopped and looked at a set of concrete stairs that went into the ground, he looked around anxiously for Kimberly and listened to the muffled melody of a guitar playing a classic rock tune. He didn’t pay much attention to it because of the adults passing by and the smell of cigarette smoke filling his mind as the afternoon transitioned to the evening. A girl dressed in a The Who shirt and blue jeans soon came into sight, and Eric’s mind began to calm down a bit more. He smiled and waved, exchanging greetings with each other before walking down the stairs into a dark tunnel filled with the echo of a rock song, they were greeted by a man with a box full of cash that reeked of pot. Eric pulled out a $10 dollar bill and payed for them both, making their way into a crowded venue while a band played a head banging tune. They sneaked their way to the front and got a clear view of the band playing their set, the music was loud enough to make his ears feel like he was on a plane ride. The feeling of the drums was a new sensation for him, the feeling of every single note and beat coursing through his body. The singer had gave him goosebumps and his heart began to pump when he began to cheer with the crowd; the lead guitarist had a black Gibson SG style guitar with two horns and an hourglass figure style body, there was a white pick guard that had followed one of the horns of the guitar and to Eric’s surprise, there were 7 bullet holes marked on that guitar. The lead guitarist raised up the beaten up guitar to his mouth and began to pluck the strings with his teeth while his fingers swiftly waltzed up and down the neck of the guitar before aggressively striking the guitar with the pick he pinched in his right hand. Soon the song came to an end and the singer of the band had pointed at Eric, “Get up here kid” he said and offered his hand to him. Eric took his hand and the singer had instructed him to go to the back of the stage behind the red curtain. He did as he was told and grabbed a cherry sunburst Les Paul guitar, the guitar tech getting him all set up before Eric took a peek outside of the curtain.

Kate

John was one of the best known dads in the neighborhood. Aside from his slight addiction to alcohol, John was recognized by the neighborhood families for taking excellent care of his daughter, Kate. Kate was a high spirited child with gorgeous blue eyes and a smile that could turn the world upside down. She was lively and always on the move. Kate was most definitely a daddy’s girl, always tagging along with John to go to the grocery store, movies, parks, bowling alleys, you name it. Kate would sprint to the back of John’s BMW and hop in her booster seat with such excitement and wonder on what plans were in store for today.
“Where are we going today, daddy?” Kate exclaimed.
“Well, I need to make a quick grocery run and I also need to fill up on gas.” John said. “If you behave, maybe we can stop by the park on the way home.”
“Really? Sounds good to me!” Kate said with excitement.
As John is driving, he looks in his rearview mirror to see his ecstatic daughter, and, as usual, she’s smiling with joy. Words can’t express his love and gratitude for her. A few days later, John packs up the car for Kate’s soccer game.
“Kate! Are you ready to go?” the father shouts.
“Yes sir, I’m coming.” says Kate. “Where is my game today?
“It’s at Spring Creek.”
“Oh, really? I like playing there. The fields are really nice, they are really even and have barely any bumps.” Kate explained.
“I agree,” John said. “The drive to the fields is also nice, I love being able to take you every weekend.”
“And I love riding with you, Daddy. More than anything!” says Kate.
The referee walks to the center of the field and the game kicks off with Kate scoring her 3rd goal of the season. Her teammates were quick to swarm her and express their happiness and excitement for her.
“That’s my girl!” shouts John.
Kate looked at him and smiled. This sent butterflies into John’s stomach. Her smile never failed to amuse him. During the trip home, John endlessly complimented Kate’s great successes during this evening’s game. Kate blushes.
“You know I do it for you, Dad.” says Kate. “Right?”
“Of course.”
“Good. I love you.”
“I love you more.”
It’s Friday night and the family decided they wanted to go out to dinner. John is the first to finish getting ready, so he grabs the keys to the car, starts it, and waits for the
others. He cracks the windows down about halfway in order to feel the cool, evening breeze. He hears the front door open, close, and then sees his daughter run to the vehicle and hop in the back. She climbs in her booster seat and begins to talk with her Dad. She is extremely excited for tonight’s dinner. After all, they’re going to her favorite restaurant; Chuy’s. As they are talking, John notices some of the neighbors out on a walk. When they pass by the vehicle, they notice John talking and exchange confused looks with each other. John notices this but doesn’t make anything of it.
“What do you think you are going to eat tonight?” John asks politely.
“A bean and cheese burrito with some rice!” says Kate. “With a Dr. Pepper and some chips and queso.”
John giggles. “I should have known, you do love your bean and cheese burritos.”
As John and Kate continue to conversate, Lilly, John’s wife, and Kate’s mother, shuts the front door and locks it. As she is walking to the car, she notices her husband talking about their daughters favorite food. She approaches the open window of the driver’s seat and looks at John.
“Who are you talking to?” Lilly exclaims.
“What do you mean?” says John.
Lilly takes a deep breath and sighs. “John,” she says. “It’s been 2 years. I know that you were drunk and that you have a hard time remembering, but you have to move on.”
John blinks his eyes rapidly and shakes his head, as if he was waking up from a trance. He looks down at the steering wheel to see the Ford logo. He picks his head up and turns around to look at the backseat. There was no booster seat and there was no Kate.

The Reflection
“Mom!” Mikah called, already fed up with the arguments; it hadn’t even been five minutes since they had started unpacking.
“What?!” came a shrill response from the next room over.
“Where did you put that mirror?” Mikah replied. He had specifically told his mom not to touch the mirror because he knew where he wanted it, but of course, she always had to get in the middle of everything. She couldn’t help it.
“What are you talking about, I never touched your mirror!” Mikah’s mother called, peeking her head around the corner.
“Well it didn’t just move itse–” he was cut off abruptly as he turned around and walked straight into the mirror, knocking it over and shattering it on the hard tile floor. “Goddammit!” Mikah was tired. Tired of fighting with his mom. Tired of being alone.
“Oh god- Mikah I’m sorry- I guess I forgot that I took it out of the box,” Mikah’s mom frantically stammered.
“You know, Mom, can you please just go? You’re making it harder, and I really need to be alone right now,” he lied. He needed company more than anything, but would never have admitted it, especially to his mom. She already made a fit about him moving to the other side of the country, and if he admitted that he was already lonely, she would never leave him alone.
“Mikah, I flew all the way here to help you move in- I’m not just going to leave you-”
“Just get out, Mom!” Mikah interrupted, immediately flooded with guilt.
Mikah’s mother quickly covered her hurt expression with one of understanding. “Okay, well that’s alright. It looks like you just want to be alone, and I could go for some food anyways,” she turned towards the door but stopped before leaving. “I love you, Mikah.”
No response. She walked briskly into the hallway, shutting the door behind her. Mikah could tell she was crying, and he felt bad, but he couldn’t help it. Something had been off between them these last few months, but he couldn’t put his finger on it. They always fought and could never get on the same page. Taking some space from each other would probably end up being a good thing. He was trying to be more independent, after all.
Mikah sighed as he turned to face the broken glass, and slowly stooped down to start picking them up. He was nearly finished when one of the pieces sliced his hand open. “Shit!” he exclaimed while trying not to let any blood drip onto the carpet. He couldn’t remember how long he’d had the mirror, and was quite annoyed that he now had to go buy another. Nothing in LA was cheap, especially the rent.
By the time he got the glass cleaned up and his hand wrapped, it was easily 9:00 pm, but he couldn’t be bothered to actually check the clock. He started to worry about his mom, of course they fought, but that didn’t mean he didn’t care about her; she should have been back by now. She probably got her own hotel room in order to give Mikah some space, she would come back in the morning once the air had cleared.
Mikah knew he probably needed stitches for the cut on his hand, but he decided that it could wait until the morning. He sat alone on his bed, taking it all in. The off-white walls, the mold growing in the top corner of his bedroom, the leaking faucet in the bathroom, the dark stain on the carpet that he really didn’t want to think about. Just as he was thinking through what he would say in his job interview for a tech company the next day, the light flickered out.
“Of course”, Mikah muttered to himself. “Nothing else in this stinking building works, so why should the electricity.” He dragged himself out of bed to check the fuses, when a hair raising voice stopped him in his tracks.
Where are you going, Mikah? it said.
Mikah was frozen in horror. The voice was nothing like he had ever heard before, yet it seemed so familiar, like a very old friend. “Who is that? Where are you?” Mikah muttered while trying to keep his voice as level as possible.
You don’t recognize me? The voice sounded sad.
Mikah didn’t want to piss off whoever was talking to him so he decided to go along with it, “Maybe I could recognize you if I could see you.”
Fine, then. Have it your way. The intruder stepped out of the shadows, and Mikah nearly fainted at the sight. Whatever it was, it was clear that it wasn’t human. It had the general shape of a human, but it looked like it was made of shadows. It had no eyes or nose, but a very large mouth that stretched from ear to ear, that would be if it had any ears. Wisps of black smoke curled from its body, and its very presence gave off a cold feeling that made Mikah’s skin crawl. It radiated bitterness and fear.
“What are you?” Mikah whispered, surprised that he could muster up any voice at all.
Don’t you know, Mikah? It’s lips curled into a smile that reflected all the evil of the world. I’m you.
“What?”
Isn’t it obvious? We’re practically identical. The Thing then giggled a shrill sound which turned Mikah’s blood to ice. The high pitched laugh quickly dropped to a deep-throated snarl.
“How are we the same person, that isn’t possible,” Mikah stammered; he was just trying to keep the conversation going because as long as the Thing was talking, it didn’t seem like it was interested in killing Mikah. Yet.
Oh, Mikah, we always did have a bad memory didn’t we, hmm didn’t we?
“You’re right, I- I don’t remember. Can you please remind me?”
Mikah, you’re so silly, so silly hmmm. The Thing hunched over itself and turned halfway toward the wall, muttering to itself.
“Um, wh- what do you mean-”
SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP! Spit flew from the Thing’s mouth as Mikah shrunk back against the wall. YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO US! YOU KNOW WHAT SHE DID!
“What-”
It was her. It was Mother. When we were two, we were in the bathtub. She left us there and we drowned. She brought you back, but I died. I got stuck in that mirror in the bathroom, but you set me free. The Thing’s voice was shaking with rage, spit was flying in all directions. Mikah watched as it bared its teeth, rows of sharp razors; it vaguely reminded him of the clown from that Steven King movie his friend made him watch.
You cried, and I died. I died and watched you grow hmm. I was waiting in that mirror, watching you live and grow, but now I’m out, and we never have to be alone anymore hmmmm.
“But- but how is that possible?”
Oh, come now, Mikah. You had to have known that part of you had died that day, hmmm? But it doesn’t matter because now I’m here, and we never have to be alone ever again hmmm.
“So you’re not going to kill me?”
Why would I want to kill you, Mikah, that would take all the fun away hmmm.
“Alright, well- um, I should go check on Mom and make sure she’s doing okay, I kind of yelled at her earlier-” The Thing nodded along enthusiastically. “I should go check on her.”
Oh you don’t need to do that Mikah. I already made sure of that.
Mikah froze at his words. “What?…”
Oh yes, I saw you get mad at her once I escaped, and of course I was angry as well, so I killed her force us hmmmm. The Thing grinned wider than before, clearly very proud of itself. You know, she didn’t even recognize me at the end. Her own son. She killed me and POOF. Forgot all about us hmmm.
Mikah was frozen, his feet rooted into the ground. He didn’t know what to say. What to do. “You… what- I,” he suddenly forgot how to form a complete sentence. The feeling of darkness that he felt when the Thing first spoke came rushing back as the gravity of what had happened settled in.
Hmmmm, yes. Ah, well now that she is out of the way, you and I can do whatever we want to and we never have to be alone. We have each other now hmm.
“No… what- no!” The Thing looked taken aback. “You killed my mom, the only one who was there for me, and you expect me to be, what? Happy?!”
I expect you to be free, it snarled. I expect you to be grateful.You freed me, so I freed you!
“This isn’t freedom! You aren’t me, you’re a plague- you’re a monster!”
The Thing rushed forward and pinned Mikah against the wall before he could even blink. You should be careful about what you say or I’ll have to put you in a cage. Like a dog. The Thing licked its lips, and Mikah could feel it stare deep into his soul despite its lack of eyes. Mikah got a surge of bravery from somewhere inside him and spit in the Thing’s face. With tears streaming down his face, partly from fear and partly from grief, he muttered, “Screw you. We are not the same and will never be.”
The Thing let out an outraged cry as it rushed backwards standing over the broken mirror frame. Fine. You say both of us cannot be, then so be it. The last thing Mikah remembered was the Thing rushing up to him, and slamming his head hard against the wall.
When Mikah came round, he was looking through some kind of broken window that had been hastily repaired. Standing on the other side was… him? It was like looking in a reflection, but something was off about it. Mikah looked around to see where he was and all he saw was darkness. Through the window was his bedroom. His body had black vine-like marks everywhere, like he was transforming. He looked up and made eye contact with his reflection, only it wasn’t a reflection. It was the Thing, it was taping and glueing the mirror back together, and Mikah was stuck inside. “No,” he whispered to himself, but his voice sounded different. It was like a distant echo.
“Oh yes,” the Thing replied, smiling with Mikah’s face. Talking with Mikah’s voice. “You said that I could not exist, so I became you, and now you will become me hmmm. A shame, too. We could have had so much fun together, Mikah. But you had to draw the line, you just haaaaaad to flip out on me.”
“Why are you doing this?”
“Isn’t it obvious? I’m living now, it’s all I’ve ever wanted since that bitch left me to die all those years ago.”
Mikah remembered his mother, and a sob forced its way up his throat. “Don’t talk about her that way!”
“Ohhh, no no no, Mikah. You don’t get to talk to me like that anymore. See, I own you. You are never coming out of that mirror, and trust me, you would not believe what that place can do to your mind. It’s crazyyyyyy hmmmm,” the Thing giggled. As it put the finishing touches on the broken glass, the Thing picked it up and gently set it down in the closet.
“Well, now that Mother has tragically passed away, I can’t imagine that anybody would come looking for you, especially when I show up to your job interview, sleep in your bed, and live your life,” the Thing drawled with mock sympathy.
“You won’t get away with this- someone will find you out- you’re not going to win-”
“Oh sweetie,” the Thing cooed. “I already did. Ta ta!” Mikah watched with horror as his freedom turned around, and closed the door.

. . .

27 Years Later

Anthony Ramierez and Roselyn Parker had been assigned to clean out the apartment of a man named, what was it? Michael Leafblad? Mason? Something like that. Apparently the man got in a car wreck and died while drunk driving. Anthony was always rambling on about the dangers of driving, and he was certainly not going to pass up this opportunity to tell Roselyn about it.
“Look, Rosie, all I’m saying is that you shouldn’t be driving around at night when people like this guy are drivin’ like a bat out of hell s’all I’m sayin’.”
“Sure, Anthony, I’ll be extra careful. Hey,” she teased, “maybe you can take me home!”
“You wish, Rosie,” Anthony replied, hiding his red face from his partner. “Alright,” he announced, changing the subject. “Bedroom’s next I guess.” There really wasn’t much in the room; this guy had no taste whatsoever.
As Rosie started taking things off the nightstand, Anthony moved toward the closet, and to his surprise, the only thing other than a few bland t-shirts and an old suit was a broken mirror. Well, at least it used to be broken. It looked like this Mark guy had put the mirror back together.
“Hey, Rose!”
“Yeah?”
“Come check this out!” Rosie made her way over and looked just as surprised as Anthony. “You’d think he’d just buy a new mirror, no?”
“Not our job to wonder, my friend,” Rosie sighed. She made her way over to the mirror and started pulling it out. Anthony, trying to help Rosie, made a lunge to grab the other end, but he just knocked it out of her hand, causing it to shatter on the ground. “Ah damn,” Anthony muttered.
“Don’t sweat it,” Rosie said. “This thing was garbage anyways, nobody would buy this thing. She was then interrupted by a dark figure that ran past them, knocking both workers over. The shadowy figure came to rest in the opposite corner, face turned away from them. Both Rosie and Anthony were too stunned to speak, and instead just listened to the thing mutter to itself.
The shadowy figure whipped it head around, revealing a face with no eyes or nose, just a large, gaping mouth. Where is he? the figure questioned hastily.
“I- uh- wh-” Anthony stammered before being slammed against the wall by the figure, making Rosie yelp and shrink away in fear.
I said, where is he! The Thing who lives here, where is he!
Rosie finally spoke up, “Th-there was a man who lived here, b-but he died. We’re just cleaning the place out. Oh god, please don’t hurt us, we didn’t do anything!”
This made the dark figure step back in surprise. He never expected the Thing to die again.
Dead? So… I have waited years, decades for revenge, and now, it is taken from me, the figure snarled, articulating each word carefully.
“Look, we’ll give ya whatever you want, I swear. Just, please, let us go! We’ll leave this place, we’ll leave it alone, I promise,” Anthony cried.
The figure stepped back, calmer now, a look of resolution plastered onto its face. You may think he’s dead, but he won’t be. He wanted me to escape, and now he’s waiting for me. To join him. This is all he ever wanted, for us to be together. Hmmm isn’t irony cruel, he stated matter-of-factly while glancing toward the terrified workers on the floor who vigorously nodded their heads in agreement.
Hmm, you never realize it until it’s too late, but life can drown oceans of obstacles, yet it is finite. If I could only make him see.
And with that, the figure was gone, dissolved in shadow, never to be seen by another soul again. At least a living soul, that is.

Good Deeds

Have you ever realized how big of a factor, competition plays in your life? There used to be a time whenever competition brought out the absolute worst in me. When I went to the gym I was always competing with the person that was on the treadmill next to me. They were not knowingly a part of this competition, but in my mind if I didn’t run more than them, I wasn’t doing good enough. If I pulled into the school parking lot in a car that wasn’t the newest and better model then the one parked next to me, my car wasn’t good enough. If I showed my test grades to the girl sitting at my table in class and she scored higher, I wasn’t smart enough. There’s something about life that makes us immensely stressed about our worth. People go to extreme measures to meet extreme standards that society has set. Humans are known to have a competitive culture, especially with a society like the one we live in today. But why do people constantly feel the need to measure up, to be “the best version of themselves”?
Whenever it comes to these moments that feel like failures, the embarrassment and insecurity would overcome me. The thought of “you’re not good enough” was on repeat in my mind. Those 4 words replayed in my head all. day. long. And with every task I did, I was competing to be the best. It was like this unhealthy obsession. Even if there was no one else to compete with, I tried to one up myself. There’s something about the satisfaction of winning that people can’t get enough of. It’s the same idea of when you do something good for someone else. When you donate, help a friend out, serve in your community, the win that you get out of that experience is self glorification. When we do things that make us feel better about ourselves, whether it’s winning or doing a good deed, we feel good enough.
If someone asked me what the most influential moment in my life was, I would honestly tell you the moment I found church. I very strongly believe that everyone is allowed to have their own beliefs, that’s not to say that I don’t want everyone to believe in god, because i truly do but I think it’s important for everyone to believe what they want. In high school I found myself going to youth services at church with my friends. Every sunday night we would all go to service together and then go to small group. At first it was just another reason to hang out with my friends but it slowly became more than that. Whenever I was in middle school, I remember religion being this sort of competition. People were so passionate about the church that they went to, they believed it was the “best” church and that the only way to be loved by God was to be a part of church. I even had someone tell me that I wasn’t a christian because I didn’t even go to church. There was something that sparked in me whenever they said that to me. Suddenly i had wanted to be a part of church and devote myself to a church because I so badly wanted to be this amazing christain like everyone else. It was like if i didn’t follow the rules, like going to church every single sunday, I would never be good enough for God.
After being at this church for a few months I started to serve in the elementary school ministry areas. It didn’t last long because a few weeks after I started, covid happened. Whenever churches opened back up again I was asked to be a part of this church youth leadership team. It was basically just a group of students who met once a week to come together and create the best environment for the other youth programs at my church. I really enjoyed it because I felt like I was doing something really good for the students that were attending the church as me and I liked being a part of something so big.
The crazy part is that after being on that team for 5 months I was asked to be on staff at my church and run all of the online and social media for our middle school and high school environments. I felt so good about myself. I couldn’t believe that they would have picked me. I hold myself to such a high standard. I never viewed myself as a ‘good’ christian or someone that would be able to work in a church. This almost felt like one of those “good deeds” I was doing to feel good about myself. I even found myself competing with the person that had done this job prior to me. I fell into this unhealthy habit once again and was really just embarrassed that I felt like I had to do all of these good things to be viewed as a good person.
Why do people have to do good things to be a good person? Whenever we do good things, we feel confirmation in ourselves. For many people they feel like to be closer to God they have to do good works and be a good person. But that’s not always the case. It’s not about doing those good acts anymore, it’s about faith and belief in jesus. God is extending an invitation to everybody to stop carrying the burden you are carrying, wondering if you’ll ever be enough and come into his presence. When Jesus entered this world, and arrived sinless at the cross, willing to exchange his innocent life for yours, when he got to his last breath he didn’t say “I hope I’ve done enough”. He did not say “I hope it was good enough” “I tried my hardest”. When he got to the end and exchanged his life for you… he made the greatest statement of all time “It is finished”. And him coming back to life 3 days later proved he is who he claimed to be. Because I went to church with my friends my freshman year, to feel like I fit in, I now have the forever right standing with God and I know I will always be the best version of myself.