I lived a life in which war was only in the “distant past” another topic from history class. For all 23 years that I lived in Ukraine, I would never have imagined something like this happening. It didn’t seem possible to me. However, there were internal disagreements within the country. Ukraine has always been torn between two cultures. Eastern Ukraine considered themselves Russian, and Western Ukraine wanted to be part of the European Union. In 2014, Eastern Ukraine rebelled against the legally elected pro-Western government, and Russia saw it as an excuse to invade Ukraine and occupy the Donbas and Luhansk regions and Crimea. The military conflict had been brewing for eight years, and in 2022, it finally erupted. There was talk among Ukrainians that war might happen sooner or later, but nobody believed it. Can you ever be mentally ready for war? I wasn’t, and this is a story of how war made me feel.
The day before the invasion, I returned from vacation with my father, Andrew. We spent two weeks in Seychelles. We arrived at the airport in the middle of the afternoon, expecting to push our way through the crowd to get our suitcases. But when we stepped into the hallway, it was essentially empty. All international flights were canceled. I started to get suspicious. Was something wrong? During vacation, we didn’t keep up with the news. I was unaware of what was going on. On our way home, we stopped at the grocery store. There wasn’t much to buy. The shelves with canned and packaged food were empty. I grew more concerned. I decided immediately to check the news. The Russians had two hundred thousand troops along Ukraine’s northern and eastern borders, prepared to invade. Then I really felt afraid. I realized that things were getting serious. The events of the next day I will never be able to erase from my memory.
For me, a good morning does not start at 5 am. My mom’s new husband called me from Germany. Why so early? Something happened? I couldn’t ignore my stepdad’s calls anymore. “Ukraine is being invaded! Get your stuff and get out!” his voice shouted in my ear. When I walked to the balcony window, it was still dark. The sky was clear, and there was no sound of passing cars on the roads. It was a regular morning. “Roman, what are you saying? It just doesn’t look like war!” Right after I answered my stepdad, I heard a terrible roar as if lightning had struck in the yard. The building shook like an earthquake, and all the windows rattled hard. “What the hell just happened?” I couldn’t grasp the situation; I just stood in a daze, a trembling wave spreading all over me. Meanwhile, my stepdad was still on the phone, screaming at me, “Get away from the window, get behind two walls.” I heard him, but my mind was somewhere else. A primal fear gripped my body. It took me some time to come back to reality. “My God, they really attacked us!” I sighed in disbelief. “Okay, kid, I will get you an evening ticket for the train to Germany. Come and stay with me and your mom.” “Thank you, Roman, I really appreciate it!” Everything was decided.
After the morning shock, the rest of the day seemed surreal. There were no more attacks, and it didn’t feel like war, but it wasn’t normal either. For the entire day, I didn’t make any rational decisions. I packed my things but could not do anything else due to growing nervousness. I went out to eat, but none of the places accepted cards because the payment system wasn’t working. I tried to get cash, but ATMs didn’t work either, and some banks were closed. In front of open banks, there were long lines of people arguing. It made me feel unsafe, I didn’t want to get into a fight with anyone, so I didn’t get any money. Businesses and gas stations were also shut down. The country seemed to be suffering from an economic collapse. I expected to see people leaving, but instead, some were wandering around in confusion while others went to work. All this made me feel like I was in an apocalyptic movie. It was so distressing that I wanted to leave this place immediately. So, till the end of the day, I hid in my apartment, anxiously watching the news and waiting for the train.
As evening approached, the atmosphere became even more terrifying. Due to the blackout, we could not turn on the lights. In the cold darkness, pedestrians on the sidewalks looked like moving shadows. My father drove me to the train station. With him, I wasn’t scared of anything. He was my shoulder and always instilled in me a feeling of security. We didn’t stay on the platform since railways usually are targets in wartime. Instead, Dad and I sat in the cold car, waiting for the train. We didn’t run the engine because we had to save gas. We waited, but the train didn’t arrive. An hour passed, and I grew more nervous with every moment. We knew the enemy might attack at night, and I didn’t wish to stay longer in Dnipro.
“Dad, what if the train doesn’t come today?” I couldn’t stand this tense silence anymore. “I hope it will. Otherwise, we must find another way to get you out of here.” My father’s voice sounded very worried. I wanted to ask, “Dad, what about you?” but I didn’t want to hear the answer. Any answer would make me cry. I knew he couldn’t go with me. Men couldn’t leave Ukrainian territory anymore; they had to stay and fight the enemy, whose army was 7 times bigger. Instead, I blurted, “At least we will have some war stories to tell our grandchildren.” My dad retorted sarcastically, “To tell this story, we must survive first.”
In the parking lot, tension among passengers grew greater when we finally heard the announcement that the train was arriving. Everybody rushed to the pier. While waiting on the platform for my carriage, I stayed with my father, hugging him with my chick against his chest, choking with my tears. The momentary realization that I might never be able to see him again made me regret how rarely I told him how much I loved him. I wished to stay to protect him, but I knew I would be a burden; besides, he needed to take care of my grandmother. Stepping into the carriage, I looked back and saw my dad for the last time. Emotionally exhausted, I fell into my seat. Looking out the window, I watched the city where I had lived all my life slip away. Everything I had left fit in one suitcase.
Back then, I thought that I might never come back. And so far, I have not. Everything that I considered unbreakable fell apart in one moment. I was lucky, and I didn’t get to see all the horrors that other Ukrainians had to go through, but the war also left its mark on me. I miss my family so much who stayed in Ukraine. I keep in touch with my father daily. He tells me a lot of depressing news. Things in Ukraine got only worse.
All of this made me realize that safety is an illusion and nobody is protected from any misfortune. But I hope that one day, I can return to the place I once called home.
