Foreword: The writings you are about to read do not follow the traditional syntactical nature of modern English,
or even what is considered to be proper English. You will find what you believe to be obvious mistakes
regarding grammar but know they were intentional. I liked the way they read, much more than the correct
version—especially with an Irish accent. They felt poetic to me, so I left them.
Summary: Taking place on the island of Ireland in 1908, Hugh, a 28-year-old poet and single parent, struggles
with his faith as his 9-year-old son, Connor, contends with the same bone cancer that caused his mother’s death.
Chapter 1: Son of God
In the month which sets a blaze upon the earth; a blaze upon the drawing breath—I’m the
thrifted soul waiting for the great collapse, the fallout. It was a fine autumn day. The community
weren’t lesser than exceedingly contended. It would have been still the perfect day none less
hadn’t I seen what I did. The splendor that came with the stumbling, I was sure to say: “As
beautifully she lay, ‘neath seasons fiery embrace—won’t she take my hand?”
And if it were to myself rather than directed to her, It would be understood, but not
realized, as my head succumbed to my heart, and my heart in a way it had never been, and
though I cannot know, because I was only just birthed, I feel confident in saying that my heart
had been fuller no more—even as I was brought into this life—than this autumn day.
Now it is the same day of the same month; of the same time of a different year; with the
same chilled gale of the same direction; and the same sun, above different clouds, that are the
same color, but different shapes. And I feel as the clouds are colored. And I feel as they are
shaped. And I feel as the gale feels. But that day, the same day of a different year, I felt as the
sun felt.
She did give me her hand that day, never mind our not knowing each other, and it’s the
hand that lay cold today. The hand that lay cold for some time. But, I tell you, still beautifully
she lay. And not as today will the day be when she is again as elated and as colored as a spring
flower—more of like the day I set eyes upon her it will be. There was a suffering—a great deal.
In her eyes, the eyes that were once a blue to lose thought in, an incomparable blue—of which
not one occurrence did transpire where a stranger did not take notice—were extended to “her
Connor” as her final gift. “My Connor,” she would address him, as if he were anyone else’s,
knowing he was certainly not mine. He’s always like her. Not limited to aesthetics, or intellect,
or mannerism; thoughtful promenades, unexpected behaviors, inflection, or careful diction; he
was just as surely as she was, in an inexplicable sense. Of course, with his being too much alike
came the worst.
Fortunate enough to take her extensions, and unfortunate to acquire so much of her, that
he now suffers where she did. I will watch his (her) eyes evanescence as a sequel. It is an
immense tragedy the more that she will not be here to guide him to death. I would take death, a
grand luxury, so as to spare him, but it is a luxury that is only worth as much as the thought.
“Tell me again,” Connor requests with a weakened tone. “Athair, tell me again. The
name.” “Osteosarcoma,” I tell him mindlessly as if it were a typical response to a child. Glancing
across the table where many of my distasteful compositions were written and, sequentially,
tossed intolerably into the fireplace, I can see him mouthing it out. He is eager to learn more on
the subject and often asks me questions no child should ever have to ask—no parent to answer.
Perhaps to make sense of it. There is nothing to be made sense of.
He will not live to endure growing pains; experience heartache; journey the harsh winds
of age; feel the reverie of one intertwined; see his own eyes through the eyes of another. He is
well-informed and talks candidly about death. I go against my philosophy when the topic arises,
but what am I to say when he asks forbidden questions? Would I be wrong to supply false hope?
Would it be appalling if my voice lacked conviction? But with all of the questions, and the
insurmountable difficulties each one of them shares in answering, there is none more difficult
than his asking about where it is he will venture to—who it is he will find. And if his máthair will be waiting.
I do encourage his theistic explorations, and encourage him more to not rely upon my inferences.
Because of my situation, and my past, oh so dearly melancholic, I do not trust my own judgment in regard
to celestial concerns. I have been much too influenced to speak rationally about such things; therefore, when he
inquires about the topic, I tell him “An impervious man is a paragon of a virtue that is invaluable. It’s
imperative that your beliefs are your own.” And he will ponder on the words as his eyes catch
the light. Reserved. Engrossed. Refined. My son. “Can we go tomorrow? To máthair’s tree?” An
aged beech (‘neath seasons fiery embrace). “Yes, we can go. And we’ll take Bulmers. And soda
bread. And jam. Visit Lough Ree.” “I miss her jam,” Connor said with a smile. “I miss the daylong drive to Garson’s
to help her pick blackcurrants.” His sentimentality never ceases. “We can go to Garson’s when the month is right.
I’ve never made the declaration because I knew you were very much tenderhearted about that. It was your and mam’s expedition.”
I had forgotten about their trips to Garson’s in the summer. I had forgotten many things that Connor reminded me about.
Her death brought with it the taking of some parts of me. The diminishment of memories I had of ‘er. Such a taxation on
the soul, death can be.
“I would want to. It’s just as much ours.”
It’s just as much ours.
It’s just as much ours.
My stare is heavy. He does not see the profound significance of those words, nor feel the
immense emotion they bring. To him, they are just words. To me, they represent his willingness
to do something he did—with someone he loved more than himself—with another. It was a
dejected consolation. I pursue rekindling the fire to redirect my heart-rending state. “Are you
warm enough?” I ask Conner after clearing my throat of despondency, so as to not allow him to
contract my grief. “Yes. Warm enough, athair,” Connor responded (his eyes closed and with a
familiar weariness).
* * *
My boy. The replication of the God I knew as a child. When the time comes, we will
venture over hills and uphill. I will step the fault lines. See the footnotes. Lead you with the hand
of grace to the divine path. And should the sight of greenwood donate to you the thinning of
good strength—refrain from apathy, inanition; rest your eyes. My arms shall preserve thine. I
will speak with soft diction through the susurration. Stride gracefully amidst golden shimmer. At
the arrival, finger the soil with an arm bracing. Embrace you warmly through the wait. Speak to
you: “Child, the seraphic—feel the autumn benefaction. Let its repose comfort your mind and
ease suffering. Let it be the reason for your expenditure, as it is grand. Think of all the goodness.
Your and Mam’s expeditions; blackcurrant jam; Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland; The Wind in
the Willows; Mam’s soda bread; Bulmer’s; Lough Ree. Think of Áine. Envision green féar
pastures of good health—running through the foxtail, lying ensconced in rye. And when your
heart can be fuller no more, look up—look at where we sit. She is here, Connor, just as I. Just as
proud of your valor. Unto you speaking: ‘Rath Dé Ort, my Connor. My beautiful Connor.
Áilleacht den sórt sin. I have been at your side all along, beautiful boy.’”
If I wasn’t a weathered man, I should be inclined to say you are indeed the creation of
God. That you walk without fault. That God created too much of himself. With the last breath, I
shall lay you upon the sepulcher. I shall lay you among the shades of Áine.
* * *
Chapter 3: Continual Recollections
“You must be strong. You must be strong for Connor,” Áine spoke softly to me, brushing
the hair from my weary eyes. She was so frail—so worn. Her clothes were ill-fitted; eyes a lesser
blue; cheekbones protruding. We lay in spring warmth atop a blanket, atop the rye. It was a time
with the primrose, and the hyacinth, and the sea aster. Singing goldfinches giving their
condolences to the cool zephyr. A day of true consolation.
“What if I cannot?” I replied without looking at her. “You can, dearest. He will need his
athair. He will need your comfort—your graceful diction,” she said, with a weakened smile.
Turning on her back to view a sky of blue, she said, “It is not that I fear the coming of death… It
is the result mine will have. The impact on those I cherish most. A child needs his máthair. More
so when death comes to him.” There was a lingering pause, a time for consideration. “It is not for
me to choose.” Her face now glittered in the light.
During our walk home, our second-to-last walk home, I walked behind Áine, as I always
did following her diagnosis. Awful to see the fade of such beauty. It took her posture. It slowly
took each feature of ‘er. I had to watch it all. Connor had to watch it all.
Why I always walked behind her is simply a case of metaphysics. Perhaps to hide my
agony. Perhaps to keep it in my mind her declination, not that I once was allowed to forget. It
was to be noticed that on each trip we made, her strength lessened—her stride shortened, her
pace slowed. The sun had mostly gone when we arrived home. Connor was still in well enough
health that he was in the yard playing.
He has always been such an attentive child—always understood the complexity of life
and our situation. (His own.) More aware and accepting of the unfairness and the harshness than
ever. He stared at her as we passed, as he always did, and I could see in him an unmatched
maturity and braveness—knowing she would die, and that he could not save ‘er. He knew that
there was no explanation, no matter how much I thought I deserved one. Áine, unspoken, went to
our bedroom while I unpacked the picnic basket. I decided to give her space and waited in the
kitchen. Then time went by, but she did not make a sound, nor did she come out of the room. I
walked carefully to the threshold, which presented a creak. There I saw the worst. There she
stood at the foot of the bed, in front of the mirror, crestfallen. As if, though she had been aware
of her condition, and knew that death would surely come, for her and her only child, it was only
then that she was forced to accept it. What caused this realization is to remain unanswered. A
passageway where she observed her son’s failure to match his body with his maturity. Where he
would follow behind her to the same bed, with the same declination, to the same ending—even
more unfinished. She was to lose a child and not be there for the loss of a child. She finally
noticed her body—I could notice it in her eyes. The loss of hair. The fade of her eyes. The
discolored skin—hollow cheeks.
“Áilleacht den sórt sin. Still, I see such beauty, Áine. My dearest Áine,” I said to her from
the entrance, walking to brush her cheek, “as beautifully she lay, ‘neath seasons fiery embrace—
won’t she take my hand?” With a cry, she said, “I am unsightly, Hugh. I wish for you not to see
me ill-favored.”
“You are no different than that day. Of no lesser grace. Understand you will never be of
lesser grace.” Her head to my shoulder, boots shining from her sadness, I could see Connor in
the mirror. That was the moment I lost my faith. “Always will you remain as that autumn day.
That perfect day.”
Later that evening, when Connor had been put to bed, Áine continued to advise me. “You
cannot shield him from himself—his fate… the harshness of his situation and the world. You
cannot fill his head with hopeful pretenses, so that he may find peace and overvalue chance. I
know how difficult it will be, Hugh, but it would be inhumane to do such things. He is much too
fragile to hear the cozened, explicit falseness that would only leave him further frayed. And you
must see to it that he remains in faith. Such is imperative.”
“Faith,” I said it aloud. It was not a question, not a statement nor a reply. It seemed a
word of the past—the product of a foreign language, a product of vulgarity. I had great difficulty
pronouncing it and knew not of its meaning.
“I know you have lost yours, but I can’t say the same. And you must not allow Connor to.
It is hard to see—you are blinded by it all, but a purpose lies behind it, and you will come to see
in time. Not everything is to be understandable—you can’t analyze and define all. Some must
remain undefined and that does not make it of any less value. You can only see the sufferings,
but there is so much that remains—of such variegated beauty past the barrier Connor and I have
created. See past it, Hugh. See the pastures of rye we lay atop in spring with fervent love and
unwavering desire. See the smile on your child’s face when the fragrance of blackcurrant jam is
his primary inhalation. Are these not the result of God’s provisions?”
“Then why should he feel the need to take away the grandiose rights he’d given? Why
grant a lesser allowance o’ goodness and a greater o’ heartache?” I received no answer—assume
she had grown tired of trying to convince me.
As much respect as I had o’er—I never found use for such conversations. I’d nod my
head to please ‘er, but I never considered the words, and I was certain never to. Still, I was bound
to something greater and therefore saw to it that I made every effort to not allow Connor to see
as I—and I attempted to instill her in him. I became a mechanical conversationalist when the
subject of theism arose, and it often did. However, I became eventually wildered as my immense
weariness progressed and granted Connor the allowance to form his own inferences and place
faith where ‘e saw fit. I could not imposition him further as I grew to be skin and bone. Because
my heart became something that was only for life’s continuation, and my brain became
something that was only for controlling skin and bone, so I could preserve what could not be
preserved. I could not have grown, in these months of toil, into less of a man.
Chapter 3: Differing Letters
Áine, before her death, wrote to me many letters that I assume were to be addressed
whenever I should myself in the darkest of days, with not a fraction of obtainable consolation.
The realist in me favors the thought of the cancer being the result of—among all other harm—
perplexed thinking, and that that is reason for her letters. But I cannot hope to make it to the final
stages of life with such thinking; I must remain more optimistic and therefore believe she wrote
them with intention.
Her letters, in the beginning, read gracefully and with restrained hope. She was sure to
pursue pragmatism and avoid all falseness, but nevertheless diluted it divinely with grammatical
memorabilia and concentrated on her motherly prose—often mentioning the like of Connor and
their blackcurrant trips. Purposeful words that could undoubtedly be arranged to represent her
fine contour and console my weary mind.
However, as with all things, goodness is certain to be met with its opposite, and the Áine
in her letters soon faded to—what I conclude with complete surety—perplexed thinking that
resulted from her cancer. A passage from such heartbreaking letters: Weightless words from
heavy lips, I can hear—not comprehend—what you direct to me. Your efforts lost meaning long
ago, I’m afraid. It is to my knowledge that I’ve developed an immunity to your carelessness—no
longer to be affected by the harshness of your primal self. Let it be known that I care not of what
you speak of my doings upon the completion of your reading this letter, as it will be the winding
roads of uncertainty and perils of travel that should occupy my mind. No longer to be confined to
Ireland and the making of your precious blackcurrant jam—I shall strive to find self-developed
contentedness, not a contentedness dependent on your opinion or satisfaction.
The true and profound melancholia that is still emitted from this tear-stained paper is that
her confusion was so considerable that she failed to acknowledge the existence of her son. And
while we—Áine and I—had our disagreements, they were to no more extremeness than those of
any other concerning marital relations. And though I am aware of the ignorance that death
causes, as it twists the mind and attempts to fabricate the past, I admit to giving into such
ignorance, but there were no weightless words produced from either mouth—only a then-present
(and still indefinite) love hidden by trivial frustration.
Chapter 4: Among the Shades of Áine
When the day was here, I felt inundated with immense guilt. For I had concluded that on
the day I met Áine—no day henceforth would be of greater beauty or serenity. No day will
compare. That was a false conclusion. No words can adequately describe this day. It was just as
the days should be, but never shall be in my lifetime.
The month fell in autumn, and I did consider her words, so I felt not the need nor desire
to define the peculiar alignment. Áine had positioned the sun so that it would set in sight upon
the hill. With her breath, a consoling and gentle breeze with familiar fragrances that I had long
forgotten. And she woke Connor as she used to and—another complacent undefined
occurrence—he spent the day without pain. He asked no questions and was worried not. My
lovely Connor did not feel in his youth, but well in serenity. I felt the same. We spent the
morning hours in his room. I sat in the old oak chair that was cornered in his view; he sat up in
his bed with blankets at his waist. There wasn’t much conversation, as there was a contentedness
found in listening to singing birds; nevertheless, we never broke eye contact. I had never felt
such comfort. He was a beautiful sight, though he seemed somewhat confused this morning. His
eyes lighted up from the blackcurrant jam on toast and in them, I had my son again. I fed it to
him as her light streamed from the window across the room—the way it shone down on his
face… it was such a gift.
When the hour was four, I dressed Connor in his favorite blanket and found footing to the
Birch. There was a mattress of leaves to be in comfort for the wait—varied as to be expected for
the month. Our backs against the tree—we sat in view of the dying sun that covered the pastures
full of rye, painting a canvas of the dull grass that was desperate for a rain, and shadowed strips
that looked the result of lead from a pencil held in a fitful hand; Connor held tight.
All was silent in the evening—not a sound that wasn’t the wind or leaves. And then the
tears. They were first his, and then mine, and ours together. “In you, I see it all, child. How it
should be. Everything”
“I love you entirely, athair,” Connor replied with tears in his voice. “My beautiful
Connor… you have been so very strong. You have been so fearless, my boy. I love you dearly,
hon… dearly.” I lost my voice to the sadness and could hold him no tighter. And there was half a
sun for half a breath—then a firm embrace that was one-sided.
The wind had gone and emerged was a silence I’d never experienced. I rested his head on
her leaves and brushed his thin, blonde hair from his eyes. “In you, I see it all, child. How it
should be. Everything.”
I lay him next to her. I lay him where he belonged. I lay him to rest; Among the shades of
Áine.
