In the sweltering heat of a summer’s afternoon, Valeria melted into a puddle while sitting on the curb of a sidewalk outside the church. Sweat ran its way down her arms and legs making her puffy pink dress stick to her body like glue. She did not want to wear this dress, she wanted to wear the purple one, but Mama said she looked better in pink. The dress was itchy and the white fabric flowers scattered along the bottom bloomed enough she could pick at them until she had enough to fill her little pocket on her heart if her Mama let her.
Valeria looked up from her sandals and watched as her Mama a few feet away spoke to the priest about grown-up things like work and taxes and how her grandma was doing. She would have told the priest Grandma just didn’t come because Ms. Carole had insulted her cooking during the 4th of July, and she didn’t want to “be in the same space as that miserable old hag until she apologized” but good girls do not speak about the family’s business. Mama told the priest she had come down with sickness but should be better enough to come back next week.
Valeria did not understand a lot of things and one of those things was lying. She always said what she was thinking and asked a lot of questions. Papa finds it funny and answers every question as best as he can, but Mama says she needs to be polite, so she does not hurt anyone’s feelings. Grandma says lying is a sin and when you lie you must ask God for forgiveness, but she has watched everyone lie at least once in her life, she is watching Mama lie right now. She didn’t see a reason to lie, and she does not know why being polite means telling small lies. God did not count politely lying as a sin. Can you go to hell for politely lying? She will ask Mama on the drive home.
Mama knows a lot about God almost like she knows him, but she says she doesn’t. Nobody knows God but he left a book a long time ago with ideas to live by and Mama believes those ideas because she thinks that they can better our society. Papa says it’s a bunch of baloney, that there is no such thing as God and that humans created him so that people could fear something enough to follow the rules and live a good life. Mama and Papa do not agree on a lot of things, but they love each other enough to compromise. Papa stays at home on Sundays to work on stuff around the house like fixing the leaky faucet in the kitchen and she and Mama dress up to go to church. They stay a while after mass to talk to the priest and Mama’s church friends, and afterward, they meet Papa at their favorite pizza place. They didn’t talk to Mama’s friends today though.
Last week Mrs. White’s girls, Mary and Sally, interrupted Valeria while she was reading a picture book about beetles. Her Papa got it for her as a reward for helping around the house and getting good grades in the spring. Mama let her bring it on the condition that she could not read it during mass and once Mama started talking to Mrs. White, she plopped down on the grass to read and try to find beetles walking in the dirt. Mary and Sally had come up to her and started hollering in disgust at the diagrams of a beetle’s body and called her a freak for liking bugs. Valeria had tried to tell them they should not be disgusted or afraid of bugs, God put them on the Earth for important reasons like pollinating so pretty flowers and food can grow, but they had run off to their mom in tears. When they got in the car to go to the pizza place, Mama had asked why she could not like normal things like other girls do. Valeria had said that she did like some normal things and asked why she could not like the weird things. Mama just told her to not mention any of her weird interests at church, she could not introduce Valeria to other people unless she started acting like a proper lady that is polite, quiet, and likes things like baking, dolls, and pretty things. Valeria told her that she did like those things, she just did not like them as much as the other girls did. She asked why other girls could not like bugs, God made things for a reason, and hating God’s creations is a sin, isn’t it? Mama did not respond, only shook her head, and kept driving.
That night she heard Mama and Papa talking about it after she was supposed to have gone to bed. She could not sleep and wanted to get some water from the kitchen until she heard Mama asking Papa why they could not have had a normal daughter. Papa had said that Valeria was normal, she just liked different things from other girls and asked what was wrong with that? Mama had said that there was nothing wrong with that, but she could not take her out without getting embarrassed. Many churchgoers already judged her for being a young mother and at least if she had a normal daughter then everyone would think she is a great mother for raising such a beautiful and kind girl. Papa started getting angry as he asked Mama if she thought their daughter was not beautiful or kind, she may not be the politest but that does not erase the fact she always does as she is told and all the older women in the neighborhood have stories to tell them about how Valeria brought them freshly picked flowers on her way to school or how Valeria offers to help bring in groceries when they are struggling. Papa said that she should not be embarrassed by her daughter when she upholds better religion-related values than most adults and that’s when Mama and Papa started a hushed argument. Valeria had left to bed by then, eyes heavy and yawning quietly.
Another thing Valeria doesn’t get is “values”. She asked her Papa once what it meant and he said it’s the standards for people who believe in some sort of God. Different religions have different standards but most of them are about kindness, compassion, and helping others. She asked him why there is more than one religion if they are all sort of the same and he said it’s about the culture and the place. Valeria still doesn’t get it though. Why do you have to believe in something bigger than yourself to be nice to people? She likes being nice to people, it makes her feel good, and sometimes she gets gifts out of it. She doesn’t think she believes in anything bigger than herself. What can be bigger and more powerful than Mama and Papa or the president? She asked her parents once what to believe in. Papa said she could believe in anything she wanted, it’s her experience and life that will lead to a decision. Mama got mad at Papa for that and told her that she needs to believe in God so that she can lead a good life and get into Heaven. People who question their faith don’t get into Heaven. Valeria doesn’t understand Heaven or Hell either, it seems simple but what if someone makes a mistake and ends up in Hell? What if she lied and didn’t ask for forgiveness, will she go to Hell? She doesn’t think she’s done anything bad enough to go to Hell but it was scary to think about sometimes.
A yawn made its way out of Valeria’s throat making her eyes water. She was getting tired and looked again towards her mom and the priest. They were still talking and a few churchgoers were hanging out on the grass behind her. She looked to the end of the street where a man was selling popsicles to kids out of a cart and she thought about how nice it would be to have one. She’d keep it in the wrapper to hold against her forehead to cool down and when it starts getting warm she’ll drink the melted ice. Valeria stretches her legs out and her arms over her head. She looked over at the stained glass windows that made up pictures of Jesus and the Virgin Mary. She thinks they’re pretty but she still doesn’t know if she believes in them.
Papa doesn’t believe in anything but he’s nice and he likes to help others. He has a big family and not all of them have a lot of money so he helps them out sometimes. If Papa doesn’t believe in anything will he go to Hell? Would God keep him out of Heaven for not believing in him even if Papa is kind? Valeria doesn’t understand the afterlife either. If God loves all humans, shouldn’t everyone be in Heaven even if they don’t believe in anything? How bad do you have to be to go to Hell? Her grandma tells Papa he’ll go to Hell for not going to church every Sunday but she’s pretty sure God says to respect people as they are. Valeria hopes Papa doesn’t go to Hell.
She hears voices getting louder and she looks away from the windows to see Mama and the priest begin walking closer to her. “And I’m sure you know about my daughter Valeria. Sweetheart, say hello,” Mama introduced.
“Hello, priest sir.”
“Hello, little one. How are you doing? I hope today’s mass did not bore you too much today,” the priest said, crouching down and extending his hand out to shake.
Valeria stuck her hand out from her place on the curb ignoring her Mama’s whisper to stand up and greet the priest politely. “I’m doing alright, the mass was pretty boring though. It was very long and I did not get a lot of what you were saying.”
The priest laughed as Mama tried to apologize for her bluntness. “It’s alright ma’am. I can’t expect a child to be able to understand something so complex when they have other priorities in life.” The priest turned to face Valeria again and asked, “How old are you now?”
“I’m nine and three months old.”
“Wow, you are getting older every day. Have you decided what you might like to do in the future?”
“I want to study bugs, but Mama says I should tell people that I want to be a nurse or a teacher so that I can be more respectable.”
Mama turned red in the face and started stuttering out an “Ah she doesn’t mean that” before the priest interrupted.
“Why do you need to be more respectable? I think studying bugs is plenty respectable. You could make some important discoveries someday.”
“Mama says I need to be more respectable so that she won’t have to feel embarrassed when she talks about me to her church friends. She thinks that some of the things I like are weird and that I need to start liking things normal girls like so that her friends don’t think she’s a bad Mama.”
“Well, I don’t think you’re weird at all. You are very honest and respectful. I think your Mama did a great job raising you but you shouldn’t let her words get to you. Sure you might like different things than most girls, but that just makes you more unique. You are your own person and God loves every type of person especially you. Nothing is embarrassing about you and you don’t need to feel like you have to change for anyone. God is watching you right now and is proud of you for not letting anyone get in the way of your goals and mission on Earth.”
“How do you know that? I thought nobody knew God.”
“I may not know God personally but I have dedicated my life to passing on his words of wisdom to others and I know for sure that God says to love everyone as they are. As long as you believe in God, God will believe in you.”
“I’m not sure I believe in God mister priest.”
“And that’s alright too. One day your faith will be solidified and God will be there every step of the way to help you stay faithful.”
Valeria thought this over for a minute. “Alright then. I’ll try to understand the stuff you say in mass until that day.”
“That’s all I will ever ask of you.”
The priest got up and wished Mama a good day. Mama was too embarrassed to say anything back and quickly grabbed her daughter so they could walk to the car. When Valeria’s seatbelt was buckled, Mama looked at her through the rearview mirror in silence for a minute and finally asked “When we get done eating with Papa, would you like to go to the bookstore and get a new bug book? I know last week you finished your other one.” Valeria grinned in delight.
